Tact is just saying not true stuff..

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Tact is just saying not true stuff..
May 2005
Cordelia Chase
May 1st, 2005 02:27 pm
I've decided that sleeping is overrated. When I came in here tonight, I was positive that I'd catch a few of the Z's that had skipped out on me when I was busy dwelling on our broken family. Well, that didn't happen. Story of my life, anyone? I got as far as laying down before I remembered something that kept me up.


Though I'm not guilty of forgetting him, until now, I've seen what I wanted to in reference to our relationship. I keep looking at us as what we could be and not what we are. We could be closer now than we were before, and that doesn't just go for me and Connor, that includes Wesley, Fred, Lorne, and Gunn. It's time for us to rebuild, but we can't fully do that unless Connor is willing to be a part of it. He is a member of our family, sometimes I think he doesn't feel it because he doesn't want to. I'm more aware that it is a horrible accusation to throw on someone, especially someone who has had more pain in his life than I could ever begin to understand, I'll stand by it. I think it's true. He's scared of acting like us. We had our family, lost it for what seemed like a small eternity, and we're finally starting to get ourselves back together. Every time Connor thought he had someone to take care of him, he was betrayed by that person. By Holtz, by Angel when he gave up his soul, by me when I stopped paying attention and let him leave.

When he came back, I swore that things would be different. I thought they were different. Then Safi was kidnapped, and we missed our chance at getting back Angel's soul. I feel horrible for the things he's had to face, but if Connor thinks he's alone, then that just proves that he can be as dense as his father was. Connor has me; I love him. I'll take care of him until he specifically tells me to go to hell or sends me there, and even then, it wouldn't change how important he is to me. If you really love someone, you love them regardless of what mistakes they make.

Wesley helped us when we needed him, in spite of all the pain that we'd put him through, he was there. He went months without an apology, still fighting as one of the team. His love for us has to be pretty incredible for him to have put up with all of our crap for as long as he did. Wesley loves us, I get it. I didn't appreciate it very much until I realized how wrong we all were.

I got out of bed and started searching for Connor. He had his own room, the same one that Angel had given him, but I wasn't surprised when I didn't find him there. If I wanted to be alone, I wouldn't go to the first place where someone would look for me, it made sense for him to be brooding elsewhere. I checked the lobby, the ballroom, and the kitchen, where I made a mental note to tell them to get more blood. I started checking the empty rooms, opening a door to find Kennedy sitting on a bed in tears.

"Hey." I called out softly, inviting myself in and walking over to the bed. Crying alone won't do her any good, if anyone knows that, it's me.

"I didn't mean to barge in on you, but now that I'm here...you look like you could use an acquaintance."

[[Open to Kennedy]]


Cordelia Chase
April 20th, 2005 11:09 pm

We're okay now.

The time that we were supposed to spend researching, we wasted on something more important. We could have read book after book until we were either blind or sleeping, and then we would have went back to our rooms, feeling as if we'd done our jobs. Research for the greater good.

Far be it from me to make a judgement on what the greater good is worth in the big picture, but what if you have something in your life that is greater than all of the overrated duties of doing what's best for the team?

What if you have a family?

I believe that taking care of your family should come before your need to cover up your lies. Always have, always will. Truth spells are bad. We're all going to suffer from TMI syndrome, and the First is going to watch us scramble to cover up the things that we don't want each other to know.

If that's really the case--and I know that it is--then the best thing that Fred, Wesley, and I could have done was to say what was in our hearts before someone forced it out of us. The truth hurts, but it heals too. Wesley and I would be friends if I hadn't told him what I needed him to say. I apologized when I was ready to, and I meant it. More importantly right now, I actually meant to say it. Because of what Fred and I told him tonight, he's calling us a family again.

We are are family again.

Individually, we've thrown that word around plenty of times since we started to patch things up. 'Family' is a good motivator if you can convince yourself that you believe you're a part of one.

We were, then we weren't. We said we were because we wanted to believe it. Judging by the way things worked out, we're not good at faking it. The good news is; we don't have to anymore.

We're a family again.


Cordelia Chase
April 7th, 2005 11:56 pm
I couldn't believe I was still thinking about Spike when I went on my afternoon shopping adventure. Okay, not thinking of Spike exactly; I hadn't completely lost it--unlike some people who I love and probably can't help. My mind kept going back to our conversation; the one that we had before we started bitching about Sonny and Jason. General Hospital talk was probably Spike's way of changing the subject to something less painful. I appreciated that, even more so, I appreciated how he tried to make me feel better about the things that I was dwelling on. I don't know how to tell Wesley or Angel how much I miss Fred without sounding like my grief is more important to me than theirs. Wes doesn't know that one of the things that has kept me up at night is my fear that we're losing him too. If he did, either I'd get a half-hearted assurance, or his version of the truth. My heart isn't ready to hear it, but if he comes to me about it, I'll find a way to make it ready.

I get the feeling that Hell will freeze over before he does that, and yet, stranger things have happened.
Last year happened. Sometimes we still pretend that it didn't, but for those of us who know, it changed everything.

In our world, everything changes everything.

I headed up to my room and practically tossed the shopping bags onto my bed. One of the few things that I love about Italy is the wide variety of designer merchandise that is almost affordable in its home country. The salespeople are nearly overbearing in their flat out obnoxious behavior, but half of the time I can't understand them anyway. You would think that after all of the years I've spent flipping through spell books for one disaster or another, I'd be able to comprehend almost anything. No such luck. My goal was never to learn from it, all I had to do was hand it to someone who had a clue.

I really miss the good old days.

I attempted to sit on the bed and examine my latest purchases, but jumped up when I realized that I had plopped down on something.

Or someone.

"What the hell do you think youre..." I trailed off when the 'someone' sat up and pushed back the covers so that I could see her. "...doing here?"

Fred. No. Not Fred, I'm wrong. It can't be Fred. It's Illyria. Because obviously all of that hair coloring and shapeshifting has gone to her head, and now she's getting our rooms mixed up.

"Illyria, you're in the wrong room. And before you ask; no, I don't know where Wesley is. But I think that if you care about him at all, you'll change back before you find him."

((Open to Fred))


Cordelia Chase
March 9th, 2005 11:13 pm

After overhearing a few things about why Willow's dead ex was back to help, I felt more proud of Angel than I ever had. He'd fight for us wherever he could, no matter how final his destiny appeared to be. It made me wonder what could have happened to him after he went towards the metaphorical light, but I didn't let myself think about it much more. After Fred gave me a hug I let my thoughts drift a little.

Everything that we'd lost, everything that we'd gained, the team always found a way to balance out and recover from its losses. No thanks to me nowadays, but that's not the point. It's getting to be impossible for me to ignore the fact that I'm a part of something bigger. Not necessarily bigger than any specific something that I'd ever witnessed, just bigger than anything that I'd ever imagined.

It's scarier if I think about it that way, but it's more bearable too. No matter what or who we lose, no matter what happens...there will always be someone left to fight for us.

Tara was there for Angel, and maybe Angel had been holding her place until she could come back to Willow. If that was true, then Angel had stepped in after someone else had been lost to the mission. And maybe I had too. Maybe all of us were constantly holding the line for the good guys without knowing it. Maybe the only thing that's permanent about our lives is how far we move the line from our place in the fight.

I finally think I can live with that; not that I have a choice. I'd be as gone as Angel is if I stopped trying to accept the things that are thrown at me. This time I lost someone, and Willow got her first real love back. I haven't forgotten about Oz, and I know that she loved him too, but there are so many ways to love a person. The way that everyone talks about their relationship, it was different with Willow and Tara.

I'd like to think that this is their second chance, but I'd be kidding myself if I started to believe it. There really are no second chances. Sometimes they call them that, but really they're just new opportunities to try and make a change back to something or someone that you missed.

And the two parts of the second chance in question aren't even talking to each other. I think I'll approach the half I do know.

((Open to Willow))


Cordelia Chase
December 30th, 2004 12:31 am


I'm sorry that you had to find out the way that you did. If I had more time, maybe we could have done it right, but that probably would have involved crying until we had to stop for reapplication of mascara, and there just wasn't the time. Angel was confused, and being that this was a one shot deal, I had to make sure that our loveable dope ended up back with the program. Please don't think I've forgotten about the rest of you, that couldn't be farther from the truth. You've made me proud, and seeing you again gave me some peace of mind. I don't have to worry about you Fred, because if there's one thing I'm one hundred percent sure of, its your ability to find the good where there's good to find. Wolfram & Hart isn't my idea of a morally redeemable law firm, but if there's a way to take any of it and use it in our favor, you're going to be the one to discover it.

You're not going to believe this, but there were times when I was a little jealous of you. Before you came along, I was the only woman that the guys could count on. Take no offense, but at first you didn't seem like much of a threat; I never thought that crazy cave lady could start moving in on my territory. Then they got to know you, and they loved you. Some of them, well, two in particular, in very surprising ways. By then it didn't matter, I loved you too. You are the only living female who knows the kind of crap that those men have put us through, and you're the only other person I know who is strong enough to tolerate it.

I am going to miss you so much, but I know that this is my time. And just in case you didn't pick up on my subtle hints in the last paragraph, let me spell this one out; I'm leaving our boys with you. It's not the least troublesome gift I could give, but i guarantee, it's the best. Most people would stick you with a pin or a trophy, but you deserve more than that. Now it's your turn to be the woman who they go to for moral support and the occassional patchwork after slaying. I promise that they'll take care of you in the same way, just like they always did for me.

I think I've said all that I need to, I know, I said a lot. It's not easy to fit so many demands into one letter. If there's one last thing I need to do, I need to thank you. You were my co-worker, my friend, and my little sister. I'm sorry that we didn't have the opportunity to spend more time together, but I'm thankful for every minute that we 'wasted' on girl talk while we should have been researching. It ended up being more important to me than you'll ever know.

All my love,


P.S. I saw the way that you were looking at Wesley, please, do me one last favor and tell him how you feel!


Cordelia Chase
December 13th, 2004 03:02 pm

I hate guilt. It's nagging and constant, and no wonder it makes Angel so broody. I feel like I threw in the towel a little too soon on the research. I do not apologize in any way for the fake yawns and loud sighs of frustration, because if I'd have had to stare down at those dusty pages for five more minutes, I probably would have ended up with some kind of impaired sense of vision. The physical kind--not the mental pictures. Now I'm starting to think that we should have kept going for a while longer. Illyria's not the best source of information; but that has to do with her being creepy and mentally unstable. The point is, she thought that those books were useful, and who knows, maybe she has a sense about these things.

Her "sense" was my logic when I went downstairs to pick up another book to read over. It has nothing to do with me trying to help pick up the slack now that Fred's gone; even though I do make an effort not to mention science related things around Wesley. I don't want to do more damage, especially with our Fred version of Violet Beauregarde running around. She's a perfect reminder of everything that Fred wasn't. Cold, empty, confused--Illyria is nothing like the warm, intelligent little sister who was determined to keep fighting.

I wish I could find a way to hate her for it.

I'd never tell Wesley my opinion on this, but I think Illyria is just as much a victim as the rest of us are. She's trapped, and probably scared. On top of being scared, I doubt that she understands anything about fear.

I think I pity her, and I hope to God that Fred wouldn't mind.


Cordelia Chase
December 13th, 2004 02:55 pm

Geez, it's almost as bad up here as it is down there. I can't complain as much; I'm not the one at the bottom of the ocean. If the damn Powers That Be would just let me go, I could break the MIA Angel case wide open. Instead I'm stuck on a higher plane, hoping to whatever is above me that Wesley'll figure it out. Connor's doing too good of a job playing the all American to Fred and Gunn. I love them, honestly I do, but they're ignoring every sign and following every wrong lead. They're ignoring what's right in front of them, and Angel doesn't have much time left.

I want to go home. Now. For all of the people that he's saved, Angel needs to be rescued this time, and I'll be damned if I'm going to let some higher powers tell me what I can and can't do. I'm miserable here. I ascended and it sucks, now I need to get back down there and set things right. I don't know why they want me up here anyway. They never have me do anything. We're all like a bunch of trophies who get to live in a world of peace while we watch everyone that we care about suffer.

They should have known that this arrangement wouldn't work for me. I mean really, me, a higher power? No. The answer is no. It should have been no in the first place, but Skip caught me by surprise. And I trusted him!

When this is over and done with, I'm filing a complaint with...someone. I was mislead into thinking that I'd be doing something important. Everything important is going down in Los Angeles, and my friends need me now. I have to find a way to get back down there before we lose Angel and Connor


Cordelia Chase
December 13th, 2004 02:53 pm

"Blonde Half Naked man... go find a room, think up a new outfit before you head in and get dressed...

That works for me. This is boring, even with confused, bitchy and allegedly not evil Faith running around. I'll buy that when she doesn't look rabid and bitter. Ugh, I can't believe Wesley was dumb enough to have sex with her. I used to think of him as the intelligent one; until Fred came along, and then they seemed to tie on IQs. And he was sending her signals back in my world, so that temporarily stupid best friend of mine had better get his act together!

"I'll help you with that."

Dressing Billy Idol could be fun; if he let me have my way. In all of the time Spike wasted trying to kill us, I've never seen him in an outfit that wasn't 91% black. He won't be opposed to me dressing him, but he won't be happy with the idea that I want him to look like something that doesn't resemble a bad 1980's fashion crazy.

Too bad, I'm the one he's trying to sleep with.

"It'll be like shopping."

((Open to Spike))


Cordelia Chase
November 22nd, 2004 12:47 am

I focused, really focused on being at the firm. The absolutely nothing that happened at first started to make me nervous; if isn't wasn't going to work now, it might as well never kick in. Once I calmed myself, laid down on Angel's bed,and closed my eyes, I started feeling lighter. Finally. Instead of concentrating on what was happening to me, I thought of Safi; of being by her side. I tried to picture Wolfram and Hart; an office, the dead bodies strewn across the halls, Angelus, Faith. I imagined whatever I thought would get me there quicker, blocked out the fear that I could feel threating to rise up and break my projection, and mentally slipped into the world that began to pull me towards it.

When the pull began to wear off I opened my eyes, and examined my surroundings. Turning to a crimson covered bed, I gasped and covered my mouth with my hand to silence the noise. Anger rose through me as I quickly walked over to stand at Safi's side. I foolishly tried to reach out to her, but stopped, realizing that it wouldn't work. Her chest was rising and falling through slow breaths; it was enough to tell me that she was alive, and that was all that I needed to know right now.

I can't think about the rest of it, I have to settle for alive.

I concentrated on Safi's form and stepped into it. As I settled in, her body at my command, I bolted upright in the bed, letting a small, barely audible cry fall from her lips. All I could feel was pain. Burns,cuts, aching that made me worry that I wouldn't be about to get her out of the bed, that was all that she had felt.

Her clothes were in tatters on the floor, so I tightened the sheets around her, and did my best, for Safi's sake and my own, to be gentle. The dried blood that made them cling to her body as I forced us into a standing position made me wince. More than anything, I wanted to be back in my body, but I wasn't about to give up on her.

I started for the door, but stopped, noticing a glimmer of silver in the corner of my eye. A tube of lipstick had been carelessly left on the floor, which made me think of something. I opened it, noting that the tacky brightness of it could only mean that it had been Faith's and with a shaky hand wrote my name in cursive on the door, my eyes burning with tears as I did so.

Logically, I don't have much time, they could come in at any second, and I'd fail Safi too. But if I can get her out of here, then I want them to know it was me. I want Faith and Angelus to realize that when they kidnapped someone that Connor loves, when they caused him pain, they caused me pain. If he isn't strong enough to stand up to them, then I can do it in his place. That's part of what love is, and even though they will never be able to understand that, they'll know that whatever they can take from us, we can take back.

I slowly opened the door and looked out into the hallway before deciding that it was safe. Barefoot, and with the sheets still clutched tightly around her form, I headed towards the stairs at the end of the corridor. I slid through the door and closed it quietly, then stopped to take a breath. A small gust of air sent a shiver through her body and I reached down to grasp at the banister in order to steady her. The constant burning sensation mixed with the coldness, and I bit down against her lip to restain myself from anything more. With one hand firmly on the rail, and another keeping her body covered, I slowly descended the stairs.

When I finally reached the bottom, I once again wandered down the hall. The main entrance is too much of a risk, but there has to be a back way out of here.

I found the entrance to the laboratory and pushed the door open. Looking around in the darkness, I breathed a sigh of relief when I saw an amber colored EXIT sign to my left. In my haste, I tripped over a something that had once been a someone, but regained my balance as quickly as I could. The door opened into an alleyway, which I followed until I found the sidewalk and an empty street.

I forced Safi's body into something that would have resembled a slow run. I could feel tears coming again, and this time I didn't even stop to wipe them. I didn't stop for anything.

Relief swam through me as I caught sight of the hotel, encouraging me to move faster. I finally slowed as I moved through the garden, then pushed through the door, stopping at last.

There wasn't anything else that I could do for her here. I let the connection slip, thinking of my own body, and let her body collapse on the floor of the lobby as I reunited with mine.

Safi was home.


Cordelia Chase
November 9th, 2004 05:57 pm

I got what I wanted-- a cold, empty room, tastefully decorated by the girl who I'd outgrown. Sometimes I wonder what I'm trying to prove. I know that I'm nothing without them, so distancing myself from my family isn't doing me any favors. But that's just it.

I don't want to be in here, I want to be with Connor, watching him sleep, cleaning his wounds, putting him back together the same way I used to patch his father up. But it's not about that, because what I want is irelevant. It's ironic, in a way. I always used to get what I wanted. There was a time when there wasn't a situation I couldn't negotiate in my favor with some sweet talk and a twenty. The tide really turned on that one.

Connor needs to focus on healing. They all do, and I know that they will. Avert a few apocalypses and you get pretty good at bouncing back. It's too bad that it doesn't work that way when you realize that your hero is gone forever, and you've lost the determination to fight the good fight because that's what he was. He refused to sit back and watch the world deteriorate at the speed of light, and he decided to do something about it.

I signed up for Angel Investigations, and that's not what we are. Not anymore.

I'm sick of it all, and this stupid never ending circle of pain and loss? It's finally caught up to me, so much so that I don't care if my head and my heart in are in two separate places, I have to listen to the one that isn't broken. My heart's the thing that put me here in the first place, maybe my head'll get me out of it.

((open to Kate and Fred))