I couldn't stay with them when I felt like this. I stood, not offering an explanation to anyone, and walked out. There wasn't a way to tell them that no matter how close they were sitting, I felt completely alone.
I went up the stairs to the place searching for a place where I could feel safe, and a little less hollow. Somehow, I ended up in his room. There was one chair in particular that he'd sit in when he liked to brood, or think, or maybe he was just getting away from the world for a while; but that was where I curled up, under a blanket that had been left on his bed.
Everything was the same way that he had left it, but it was all so neat and well organized, aside from the clothes in his closet and his things that he'd kept in his drawers, that the room looked as if no one had lived in it for years.
I understand why Connor couldn't come with us; he needed to find Safi, to bring her back where she belongs. I'd wanted to do the same for Angel.
I wonder if he knows that he's falling in love with her. Sometimes you don't know until...until someone tells you, and it hits you, like a precious gift that you would have never considered possible. Whether or not you have your chance, every moment of your life is different after that. Maybe it'll be like that for him, maybe somehow, Connor will find the happy ending that Angel and I never had.
I might as well be trapped like he is now; I don't know how I'm supposed to live past this day. I don't want to have to continue on without Angel. I never planned on being the last one standing, he was supposed to outlive the two of us. Angel should have lived forever, because he stood for something beautiful. For hope and courage, and most importantly, for atonement. He wouldn't want me to forget that one.
He taught me how to be strong, and how to take care of the people that you love. I was a spoiled girl with nothing worthwhile going on in my life, and now I have a mission. I never asked for it or even wanted it, but here I am. I was chosen, not in the way that slayers are, but by a hero who thought I had something to contribute; by a friend who supported me when I had no one else. By an Angel.
I gave him up for the mission that I never asked for, and now I have to find a way accept that he's not coming back.
Why can't I just wake up now?