Tact is just saying not true stuff..

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Tact is just saying not true stuff..
May 2005
Cordelia Chase
October 16th, 2004 05:51 pm

"Yeah, um...sounds good t'me, pet, why don't we be goin' t'scope out the place and what-not, get a lay of the land and...Ta."

Lay of the land? More like Spike wants to get laid, on the land. He's not even trying to be subtle about it. Those are my friends back there, well, some of them anyway. And sure, I never denied my attraction to Spike, but on top of him being a little too anxious...


That little omission is going to cost him some serious time in Happy Land. He agreed that we should be a team, but he's keeping secrets from me? I don't think so, it doesn't work that way. Plus, it's not like he didn't notice that Angel's reverted to his evil alter ego. Spike knows him, probably better than the rest of us ever will.

I waited until we were out of earshot from everyone else, then pushed him away from me and put my hands on my hips.

Trying to look bitchy in a bikini is a pain in the ass; he doesn't spend enough time looking at my face to pick up on it.

"Why didn't you tell me about Angel?!"


Cordelia Chase
October 2nd, 2004 03:56 pm

Buffy's in town, and she doesn't trust us. Cute. She has nothing to do, so she decided to come bother the good old forbidden ex and his team. Angel will let her, of course, for the simple reason that he can't stop her. We're all stuck with her. First a hellmouth, and now this. It just keeps getting better. Instead of being killed by the Senior Partners, we're going to become suicidal and do it ourselves.

I'm sure Spike would cheer us on, since he's such a big champion now. Funny, I don't remember anything remotely heroic about him. I remember him trying to kill us a couple of times, but nothing involving a white horse and a damsel in distress that he didn't create the distress for.

Even he's not happy that Buffy's here. I'll give him a few points for that-assuming that he comes back from wherever he disappeared to. He's the last person I expected to come up Casper; I didn't even know that it was possible for vampires. The worst part of it is that Angel can't even hit him, before there was always that. Now he'd just be swinging at air; and sure that would be amusing, but it wouldn't accomplish much.

I'm expecting a lot of damaged walls and broken furniture if Spike is sticking around.


Cordelia Chase
October 2nd, 2004 03:25 pm

It took enough fake yawns for him to get the hint, but Wesley finally called it a night on research. And him actually telling me to get some sleep? That just meant my performance was particularly Oscar worthy. It wasn't that I didn't want to help, I just didn't have anything else to give at the moment. Besides, this whole thing with my newfound sympathy for Illyria? It caught me off guard, and I know it was the shocker of the year for Wes. I think that I'm starting to understand how confusing this world is for someone who doesn't know how it works. It's probably similar to the way that I felt in Pylea. The feeling of complete cluelessness sucks, especially when you're used to being in the know about stuff like that. She needs less criticism and more constructive suggestions with positive reinforcement. Like a puppy.

If no one else wants to do the dirty work, it's not going to kill me to help Wes get her housebroken. It might take me to levels of insanity, but if I end up with a room at the loony bin, I'll have my best friend there to keep me company.

God, I need to talk to him about that...preferably not when we have such a huge problem to deal with, but sometime soon. We need some one-on-one time to talk about Fred, and about Illyria. I won't let him deal with this on his own, Wesley deserves better than that; I think we both do.

Time for bed, or maybe just for a little downtime, I haven't had much of that lately...especially if you define 'lately' as the past four years.

I let my hair down and threw the ponytail clip on the bureau, then took out my pajamas and started to unfasten the buttons on my shirt when Xander walked in.

That's what I get for leaving the door open.

"Hey. Is it obvious that I really wasn't expecting that anybody would be looking for me tonight?"

It's not like he's getting a new view, the stuff I used to wear when I violated the dress code in Sunnydale was probably worse than this. I smiled and started buttoning up my shirt again.

"What's going on?"

(open to Xander)


Cordelia Chase
October 2nd, 2004 03:24 pm

I couldn't stay with them when I felt like this. I stood, not offering an explanation to anyone, and walked out. There wasn't a way to tell them that no matter how close they were sitting, I felt completely alone.

I went up the stairs to the place searching for a place where I could feel safe, and a little less hollow. Somehow, I ended up in his room. There was one chair in particular that he'd sit in when he liked to brood, or think, or maybe he was just getting away from the world for a while; but that was where I curled up, under a blanket that had been left on his bed.

Everything was the same way that he had left it, but it was all so neat and well organized, aside from the clothes in his closet and his things that he'd kept in his drawers, that the room looked as if no one had lived in it for years.

I understand why Connor couldn't come with us; he needed to find Safi, to bring her back where she belongs. I'd wanted to do the same for Angel.

I wonder if he knows that he's falling in love with her. Sometimes you don't know until...until someone tells you, and it hits you, like a precious gift that you would have never considered possible. Whether or not you have your chance, every moment of your life is different after that. Maybe it'll be like that for him, maybe somehow, Connor will find the happy ending that Angel and I never had.

I might as well be trapped like he is now; I don't know how I'm supposed to live past this day. I don't want to have to continue on without Angel. I never planned on being the last one standing, he was supposed to outlive the two of us. Angel should have lived forever, because he stood for something beautiful. For hope and courage, and most importantly, for atonement. He wouldn't want me to forget that one.

He taught me how to be strong, and how to take care of the people that you love. I was a spoiled girl with nothing worthwhile going on in my life, and now I have a mission. I never asked for it or even wanted it, but here I am. I was chosen, not in the way that slayers are, but by a hero who thought I had something to contribute; by a friend who supported me when I had no one else. By an Angel.

I gave him up for the mission that I never asked for, and now I have to find a way accept that he's not coming back.

Why can't I just wake up now?


Cordelia Chase
October 2nd, 2004 03:23 pm

I grabbed a crossbow and looked around. We couldn't wait any longer for Connor, no matter how useful he'd be at Wolfram & Hart, there wasn't time. He'd understand, wherever he was, and whatever he was doing was probably extremely important if it had distraced him from this. I don't have time to worry about that now, we need to get this team in action.

"Connor's not here, I'm assuming that he isn't coming. We don't have time to lose, so we're going now. Is everyone clear on that?"

Time, strength, a little luck, and hopefully we'd pull through. It would be more difficult without Connor and Wesley, but we knew what we were doing. Kate seemed to have the right idea with firepower, and I made sure that everyone seemed armed and ready to go.

I started out of the hotel, not looking back to see who was following me. Looking back, dwelling, letting nervousness kick in? All bad things to do right now, and I wouldn't have any of it. This was about Angel, we were going to save him.

The First knows that we we're coming, and it probably has some sick surprises set up for us, but it doesn't matter, we'll find Angel's soul and put it back where it belongs, no matter what we have to do to get it in time.

I'm ready.

((Open to the people going to Wolfram & Hart))


Cordelia Chase
September 25th, 2004 02:37 pm

I left Connor in my room, a faint smile still on my face. After talking to him, I almost felt confident about this. We'll get Angel back, and after that, everything else will fall into place with time.

Wesley has his job, and I don't have the time to accept that. He can worry all he wants about saving their lives, and I'll focus on saving souls. I wonder what Doyle would have to say about me stealing his motto. He'd be proud; maybe I'd get a grin and comment about copyright infringement. Someone has to keep alive the things that he stood for, and that's my job. Doyle and Angel understood that you have to step up and fight for what you believe in, especially when no one else will. It makes Wesley's decision hurt even more. I know that he wants Angel back, almost as much as the rest of us do, but he refuses to do something about it. He'll stay here and hope, and if we fail, he's always going to wonder if he could have made a difference. He'll have to live with that, and he doesn't even realize what a huge weight that'll be to carry. It's worse for all of us that he's on our side.

Willow deserves a medal for putting up with Buffy for as long as she has. And if that wasn't enough for her, she has me too now. I still haven't thanked her or Mike for what they're doing, but I will. From what Tamara has said about Mike, he's more than capable of helping Willow locate Angel's soul. Then it'll just be a rescue mission, and we've done plenty of those. I still wish we didn't have to do it without the rest of the team, but if that's the way that it has to be, we'll all just have to work a little harder to pick up the slack.

((Open to...Buffy))


Cordelia Chase
September 24th, 2004 08:38 pm

I opened my eyes with a yawn and looked down at my naked self. Keyword? Naked. And there was Spike, sleeping on the other end of the bed; and he was naked too.

"Oh Shit!"

I sat up in bed, pulling the covers around myself. I don't need Spike to see anymore of me, he's had more than his share of Cordelia. He wasn't supposed to have a share of me in the first place. And I sure as hell am not suppose to think he's cute when he's sleeping, or remember how he looked at me when...

No. Just, no.

Angel is going to kill me! No, he's going to hate me, because he doesn't kill humans. He's going to stake Spike though, and then I'll have to deal with his wrath on my own. The last thing I want to deal with right now is a thoroughly pissed off Angel. Actually, the last thing I want to deal with right now is Spike. Who is moving in his sleep.I need to get out of here before he wakes up, because I can only imagine what a big kick he's getting out of this!

Oh god, I wasn't even evil this time, how am I supposed to justify this? I'm...I don't do this. I'm not some hookeresque Los Angeles slut, I'm Cordelia, and every time I have sex, I end up paying for it. What was I thinking?

((open to Spike))

Noise: groggy groggy


Cordelia Chase
September 19th, 2004 01:43 am

It's about you and me Wes, and now I know where we stand. I love you, but I don't want anything to do with you from now on.

I ran up to my room, my own words echoing in my mind. I never thought that it would come to this, but I meant what I said. My closest friend turned his back on me, and I don't know how I'm supposed to deal with that.

There was always something unspoken between Wesley, Angel and I. It wasn't that I didnt love Fred, or Gunn, or Lorne; they had a piece of my heart too. But it was different, and Wesley knew that. He knew that I was terrified to walk away from him, and he let me. I was asking him to be there for me, because I needed Wesley. I didn't need a leader telling me that the odds were against us. Maybe Groo was right to worry about our unity, but unity comes from being a family. Wesley is so busy trying to keep everyone in check, he's forgotten how strong we were back when when we treated each other like friends instead of warriors.

I slammed the door behind me, and finally let out my tears. It's almost like losing Angel again. This void keeps growing, and there's no way to fill it. There's nothing that anyone can say to make it better, even if we are successful, we're always going to be on opposite sides of the same team.

He's a good man, but I can't do it. I can't forgive and forget. From what he said about Connor, maybe he hasn't forgiven me either, but at least I tried. I realized that we needed each other, and put my heart and...and my soul into trying give him back what I'd taken away.

I love him, I need him, but I'll learn to live without him. He didn't give me a choice, and now it's done.

It was the hardest thing that I've ever had to do, but I walked away from him.

((Open to Connor))


Cordelia Chase
September 15th, 2004 11:36 pm

When you pick up on a boy giving a girl the looks the Xander was giving Anya, and she's the only one with a dry top on, you it's love. I was happy to step aside so that he could get some...attention. In other words, I don't want them to bump into me when they hit the floor and start going at it. He's my ex, and she was my vengeance demon. Wanna talk match made in hell? And as anti-Cordelia as that one is, there's one that takes the cake.

Faith and Angelus. I've done my best not to think about it, because in that situation, thinking won't do me any good. It's not Angel, and really it's not Faith either, not entirely. Every time my mind wanders back to thinking about them, I end up wondering if she's what Angel wanted all along. I think he'd get mad at me about that; I think he'd swear that I'm wrong and insist that he just wanted to be her friend. Nevermind the fact that they always had the weird sexual tension thing going on, or how she'd do whatever he wanted, even if it included jail time.

My clingy shirt is finally too much to manage with my new frustration headache, so I slip it off and let it fall to the floor, then unzip my jeans and step out of them. It matches the rest of my bedroom, which can now best be described as a disaster area, and that's if you're messy person. If you're a neat freak, you might as well just shoot yourself before entering.

My dead boyfriend is still missing, and Anya's trying to keep herself from falling back in love with Xander. I hate it, I hate it for him. I hate it for her too. I can not, for the life of me, comprehend why they're trying to avoid something as precious as love.

I wonder if threatening to kick her ass or vote her out of the hotel would help.

((open to the first))


Cordelia Chase
September 13th, 2004 10:16 pm

There's no easy way to say this, he's going to be pretty mad no matter how I word it. I'm packed, I have a plane ticket, and I need to go back to Los Angeles. Fred was right; I'm hiding behind his well toned commando body. It's not fair to him or to my friends, and I need to get over it. If Angel is done with us, I have to be to. If he wants Faith...

I'll resist the urge to tell him where to shove it-he's already doing that.

I still have a lot going for me. I'm the hottest seer on the west coast, no, on any coast, and I'm going to move in with one of my closest friends. It's not happily ever after, but it works. I didn't need a fairytale romance anyway, everyone knows they're reserved for the feature films that I'm not in. I still don't regret that, and I don't think that I ever will. Which does not mean that I haven't grown increasingly tired of the nice guys finish last deal, I have.

My decision to fight evil wasn't soley based on Angel, it was hardly partly based on him. So he'd better not flatter himself into thinking that I did it all for him.

((open to Riley!))